


A play ensues

by TooBoredToQuitWriting



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), M/M, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:00:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25421299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TooBoredToQuitWriting/pseuds/TooBoredToQuitWriting
Summary: Crowley hates doing his job, so Aziraphale helps him fool his bosses to make it look like he's actually doing it.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens)
Kudos: 2





	A play ensues

Completely against his nature, Crowley very much frowned upon the whole killing business. He very much preferred to leave that to humans. So when an order came from below to kill Father Pierce McBride, he didn’t really feel like it. He postponed the task by asking a few very good questions, for instance: why does the father need to be eliminated? What is your preferred method of killing? Where are the Snowdens of yesteryear? That last one caused some confusion, which was his general method of getting out of things.

Unfortunately this time they didn’t fall for it and he was hard pressed to get on with it. The more he postponed, the more demons wanted to be present when an adversary of Hell was killed. Instead of seeing this as an absolute misfortune however, Crowley saw this as an opportunity to get a feather in his cap (he still hadn’t gotten that ‘Wahoo’). So he decided to come up with a plan to show them all just how demonic he was. He was going to turn it into a show, one that featured all the main characters, action packed sequences and would hopefully make them see that leaving him alone was better for everyone involved.

Simply put, the plot of the story was Evil’s victory over Good, starring Crowley as the Murderer of an Innocent (an innocent who by the way had been describing Heaven and Hell in such disturbing detail that he couldn’t be trusted not to spoil the experience). The innocent would be played by Father McBride and the Audience would be played by Hastur, Ligur, Dagon and any other demon who thought it might be a fun night out.

The entire show was to be set in front of the church where Father McBride preached, which Crowley had thought was a pretty dramatic setting and would therefore impress. As not to disturb the show, the Audience was asked to keep a safe distance from the stage and to hide in the bushes. Secondly, they were asked to not interfere, it was a well thought out production and any interference from members of the Audience would surely ruin everyone’s experience. Lastly, cell phones had to be turned off, which prompted the question what are cell phones? So Crowley thought they would be alright.

The show began late at night, with only the moonlight to light the scene. And when the Innocent entered the scene, with shopping bags and keys in hand, an excited murmuring came from the surrounding shrubberies. When the eerie feeling of a demonic presence came over the Father he played the part well and walked a little faster up the church steps. Suddenly the hero of the story appeared, Crowley had crept up behind him and now surprised him.

‘Hello there Father, I must ask your forgiveness for I am about to sin.’ Approving whispers spread through the Audience.

‘Is there someone hiding in the bushes?’ The Innocent asked. Which was not according to script.

‘No, look, hello!’ Crowley waved at his unsuspecting victim. ‘I’m going to kill you, you evil bastard.’ McBride was taken aback by that, he didn’t really consider himself an evil bastard and to be honest it was a bit on the nose.

‘No, you won’t!’ the Celestial Element of Surprise bellowed. Crowley turned and the Audience gasped in unison. Atop the steps stood Aziraphale, the Angel of the Eastern Gate, bathing in an off-white Angelic light (Crowley thought that was a bit much, but he had given him full artistic freedom).

‘Oh no, not Aziraphale, The Angel of the Eastern Gate. He has taken me completely by surprise.’ Another gasp spread through the shrubbery.

‘This innocent man has done no wrong, Demon Crowley.’ Aziraphale realized that the script asked for pointing and followed suit, a little late but he thought he pulled it off (Crowley disagreed). ‘And we will protect him from your evil, wily ways.’ Crowley frowned at him, which Aziraphale recognized as having done something wrong. He thought for a minute and then realized he had been smiling the whole time, broadly, which was an acting choice Crowley had already told him was not the way to go.

Aziraphale put on his serious face and descended the steps toward Father McBride, who was currently trying to remember which theatre group he had rented out the church steps to. It was Thursday, so maybe Gloriously Camp?

‘Angel, you are no match for my demonic powers.’ Crowley hissed.

‘Good will always triumph over Evil.’ (That was a line Aziraphale insisted to be in the script so the celestial audience on his side would applaud him later).

Aziraphale lifted his hands and shot something at Crowley, which to moviegoers might have looked like some kind of ball of light. Crowley fell backwards and pretended to be seriously hurt. The Audience, who had never seen a movie, were very surprised to see the Angel have powers like that but immediately suspended all disbelief. They hoped their hero would be alright and would quickly get up to get the sweet, good Angel. Meanwhile Hastur quietly hoped the Angel had really hurt Crowley.

‘Die! You evil snake!’ Aziraphale improvised, knowing Gabriel would like that one. Crowley looked up at him, mouthed ‘Really?’ and stood up groaning and moaning.

‘He is mine!’ something that looked like fire, but definitely was not fire, shot from Crowley’s hands and engulfed Aziraphale and the Innocent. It did them absolutely no harm, which the Audience believed was the result of Aziraphale’s angelic presence.

‘Come, Father. Heaven will protect you in this church and keep you away from the forces of Evil.’ In his last stage moments he shielded the Father with his wings and they went into the church as scripted. Crowley ran after them and banged his fists on the door as it closed.

‘No! I will get you for this, Aziraphale.’ As his hands burned with blisters to touch the church doors, he quickly gave up banging and took his time to walk over to Hastur.

‘Nothing to be done I’m afraid, the Angel took him.’

‘That really is too bad.’ Hastur sighed. Behind him, demons were discussing the performance.

‘Crowley, won’t you go after him?’ One said, Hastur hadn’t thought of that yet and looked expectedly at Crowley.

‘He can’t go into the church, you idiot! That’s where the holy water lives.’ Another said and hit the first demon over the head. Hastur, Ligur and Dagon nodded.

‘Right, well. We did our best. better luck next time.’ Crowley stared at them, hoping they would take the hint and fuck off. It took longer than he hoped.

Hastur felt like there was something he was missing, like something was definitely wrong. But he figured that was how it was supposed to be with Hellish Business and didn’t press it further. He called together a few of the demons and they disappeared.

‘Be careful of that Angel, Crowley. He's out to get you.’ Dagon said and left with their remaining cronies, some of who called out ‘Good job!’ and ‘Well done!’ before they disappeared.

The night had been a success. Crowley sighed and put his sunglasses on. He needed alcohol and lots of it. He assumed he’d find plenty at Aziraphale’s bookshop, where perhaps they could go into the feedback and review stage of the show. But more likely they would just drink and celebrate another wile well thwarted. Aziraphale owed him for this, but he knew he this was a favour he would enjoy cashing in another time.


End file.
